As individuals, we’re always growing and changing. But if you’re in a serious relationship at a young age, it’s essential to understand that both you and your partner will be growing together as a “we” instead of an “I” as you go through the different stages of the life cycle. Today, there are at least five major challenges faced by young couples who have joined together and are striving to create a family of two. Let’s take a look at some of the challenges that occur at this stage of the life cycle and how you can cope with them successfully.
Financial Problems in Relationships
Being young certainly has its benefits, but few people under 30 would consider themselves to be financially stable. For a young couple joining together as a family, this makes managing financial concerns one of the biggest challenges. There are many budgeting strategies that can help minimize the strain of financial burdens. One of the best strategies is to make sure that you maintain open communication and create a reasonable budget that accounts for both of your needs.
Communication Challenges
As your relationship grows and you get beyond the “honeymoon phase,” you may start to wonder when it’s appropriate to speak up and when to keep things to yourself. Communication is about voicing your concerns, but more importantly, it’s about giving time to your partner to express his or her concerns as well. Patiently listening rather than jumping to a quick response is the key to effective communication. A powerful way to do this is by using “The Couples Dialogue.”
The Couples Dialogue
The Couples Dialogue is one of the keys to a long and lasting relationship. It’s a means of achieving and maintaining a deeper, more meaningful connection with your lover.
The key to the dialogue is empathy: to really listen and absorb your lover’s point of view, without necessarily having to agree with it. Understanding someone and agreeing with them is not the same thing. To have a healthy relationship with your lover you don’t necessarily have to agree with all of his or her actions, motivations, or behaviors, but you do have to understand and feel them.
Choose Roles
First, decide who will be the sender and who will be the receiver. The sender talks for a few minutes, sending the message he or she wants the receiver to take in, but never blaming the receiver.
- I get frustrated when you blank out on me whenever I try to talk to you about something serious.
- I felt hurt when I tried to express my opinion and you cut me off, even though I know you didn’t mean it.
- I’ll never expect you to have a love affair with my parents but I need you to try harder with them because I’ll feel reassured about us.
When the sender has completed a message, the receiver mirrors or summarizes what the sender has said. For example:
- What I hear you saying is that I don’t really listen to you.
- What you’re telling me is I should be patient and give you more time to speak.
- Am I getting it? Is there more you want to tell me?
Then the receiver validates the sender’s message. For example:
- I’m starting to see how anxious you get when I don’t really listen.
- I’m beginning to realize you need more time to find words to say what you’re really feeling.
- I can see now how scared you get when I don’t try harder with your parents
It’s important to understand that validating in the couples’ dialogue has nothing to do with agreeing with your lover. You can validate him or her while still disagreeing and keeping your own point of view.
Next, the receiver empathizes with the sender. This is the moment of golden opportunity when the receiver can make the sender feel that he or she is deeply, emotionally understood.
Relationship Boundaries
Ideally, young lovers go through life together as a team, but this doesn’t mean you’re the same person or that your connected by a hundred umbilicals. For many young couples, finding balance and setting boundaries can be a struggle. Apart from communicating your needs, discussing differences and agreeing on solutions to specific problems, it helps to remind yourself that you’re not the only person in your lover’s life. He or she may have passions, interests and pursuits that have virtually nothing to do with you.
The Extended Family
When you were dating, you might not have spent a whole lot of time with your spouse’s family. But, once you’re married, there will be holidays, birthdays, special events and even vacations to consider. Dealing with in-laws can sometimes be difficult, thus creating tension in the relationship. Minimizing this can be tough, but your best option is to work on setting clear boundaries with your families (both your family and your spouse’s family) so you don’t end up getting overwhelmed by their feelings and wishes for both of you at the expense of your own. And it always helps to tell your respective parents that “We need your blessing in our efforts to start our own family.”
Managing Housework
Another common challenge for young couples is managing who is responsible for what around the house. Whether you live in an apartment or a single-family home, keeping up with daily and weekly chores can be a burden and not having clearly defined jobs can create friction. One best practice is to create a set role for who does what when. Perhaps some are shared, some are always done by one person and some by the other. Or, maybe you rotate who is responsible for certain housework. Whatever the case, planning it out is a key success. And it’s important to arrive at a plan that leaves each of you feeling comfortable.
Keeping Your Marriage Healthy
If you feel stressed in facing any of these challenges and are looking for insights to keep your marriage healthy, give Marriage Couples Counseling in New York City a call at (212) 673 4618 for an in-depth phone consultation.
