There are three important objectives in your first meeting with our marriage and couples counselors.
1. To make it safe for each of you to put simple words on what you’re feeling and going through without intellectualizing, analyzing, talking down to or criticizing each other.
2. To give you both a chance to educate me on how you handle conflicts or the way you argue. Every couple fights differently and most of the time what they’re fighting about isn’t the real argument. Some deeper hurt or frustration usually gets triggered by “You said…” or “You didn’t say…” or “You did…” or “You didn’t do….” The deeper feelings never get fully expressed in the argument. The worst way that couples can fight is not to fight at all and just sweep it under the rug until it comes back to bite both of them later. After you each give me some examples of how you argue, it’ll be my job to come back to you with the subtext of the argument, i.e., what’s really bothering you and isn’t getting expressed is…. and what’s really bothering her and not getting expressed is…
3. I want to get your back stories, i.e., a feeling for the earlier emotional experiences, long forgotten, that you both bring to your relationship and often repeat under stress without being aware of it. This is important because we all bring “emotional baggage” to the relationship with our lovers and relive emotions we’ve long forgotten from our childhood. It’s important for each of you to better understand the hidden emotions and needs that the other brings to the relationship because it will deepen your understanding of each other, your emotional intimacy and help you to love each other smarter.
If I come out of the initial consult with a good sense of how I can be of creative use to you, and you both feel comfortable with me (I get graded on the consult), I’ll ask you both to come back for at least six one hour sessions. In the first of these sessions, I’ll explain the importance of the Couples Dialog as the foundation of a healthy, passionate relationship (See: The Couples Dialog: The Secret to a Healthy Relationship with Your Lover)
