The acid test on how well you understand your lover is always when he or she says or does something it would never occur to you to say or do under any circumstances. So when it happens it comes at you right out of the blue. Here are some examples we’ve found in working with couples at Marriage Couples Counseling in New York City:
• We were walking our labs, Cindy and George, and used up the poop bags. So just when we’re ready to enter our apartment building, George takes a big dump at the street curb. So what does my wife do? She apologizes to the whole damned neighborhood! Then she pleads with our invisible neighbors to excuse her because this has only happened once in the past three years!
• As we’re leaving the movie theater, I realize I’ve lost my cell phone so I go back to find it and he yells at me over the heads of 30 people still in the theater to move my ass because we’ll be late for dinner.
• We’re having a heated political discussion over dinner with some acquaintances who aren’t too bright and she automatically takes their side just to placate them. She doesn’t even let me try to explain my position even though we both know they’re too dumb to understand or appreciate it.
• No matter what event we go to – dinner, a movie, a concert – she always finds last minute stuff to do and we wind up either rushing to get there or arrive late. We’ve never arrived on time for a movie in almost five years of marriage!
So how do would you rate yourself on the following criteria in dealing with each of the above situations. Use a scale of 1 to 5 (5 = Very Good and 1 = Very Poor)
1. How curious am I about my lover’s behavior?
2. How likely am I to encourage my lover to describe what he or she had in mind when they did what they did?
3. How likely am I to test my understanding of my lover’s behavior by summarizing what he or she had in mind when they did what they did and then ask them to grade me?
4. How well can I imagine what it was actually like to be in my lover’s shoes when he or she did what they did?
A tough test for any body, especially when you would never, ever do what your lover did. See: The Couples Dialog, the Secret to a Healthy Relationship with your Lover for a more detailed guide on understanding your lover.
