This is an exercise that we’ve used with couples for years at Marriage Couples Counseling in New York City.
It takes a lot of work and effort and usually requires help from the therapist but it really sheds light on hidden conflicts so couples can do something concrete about them in a focused, creative manner.
Here’s how it works. Each of you when you’re alone makes up a table consisting of 4 columns and, let’s say, about a dozen rows.
Across the top of the worksheet you label the 4 columns with the following headers:
1. I don’t like it when you:
2. Because it makes me feel:
3. And I react by:
4. In order to hide my fear of:
On the left side of the worksheet you write specific dislikes, one after the other, serious things your lover does that really trouble you.
Here’s a an example of what came out of the exercise for John and Camille when they completed it during a counseling session.
CAMILLE WORKED UP 6 MAJOR GRIEVANCES:
1. I don’t like it when you: Tell me you know what I’m feeling and cut me off when I talk.
2. Because it makes me feel: Like you think I’m not as smart as you.
3. And I react by: Losing my temper and sometimes leaving the room.
4. In order to hide my fear of: Never being truly understood by you.
1. I don’t like it when you: Judge my friends harshly when they make mistakes.
2. Because it makes me feel: That you think I’m too dumb to see their faults.
3. And I react by: Not inviting them to our home.
4. In order to hide my fear of: Your starting an argument with them and embarrassing me.
1. I don’t like it when you: Tell me how I should be feeling about something.
2. Because it makes me feel: Like my own perspective is invalid.
3. And I react by: Getting really pissed at you and making it worse.
4. In order to hide my fear of: Being dominated by you.
1. I don’t like it when you: Believe that I intentionally hurt or try to hurt you.
2. Because it makes me feel: Like you don’t really know me.
3. And I react by: Pulling away from you.
4. In order to hide my fear of: Your anger and being rejected by you.
1. I don’t like it when you: Believe your opinions and experience have more value than mine.
2. Because it makes me feel: Inferior to you.
3. And I react by: Breaking off our discussion.
4. In order to hide my fear of: Reliving the fights I had growing up with my family.
1. I don’t like it when you: Think my social engagements take priority over you.
2. Because it makes me feel: Like you don’t understand the political complexities of my work.
3. And I react by: Not telling you about my appointments.
4. In order to hide my fear of: Your blowing up at me over them which always frightens me.
JOHN WORKED UP 4 MAJOR GRIEVANCES:
1. I don’t like it when you: Lie to me or avoid telling me things.
2. Because it makes me feel: Marginal, of little importance to you.
3. And I react by: Getting angry.
4. In order to hide my fear of: Not being as efficient as you.
1. I don’t like it when you: Tell me what clothes to wear or how to clean them.
2. Because it makes me feel: Like a child.
3. And I react by: Getting defensive.
4. In order to hide my fear: That you don’t believe I’m competent with everyday things.
1. I don’t like it when you: Schedule social events without checking with me first.
2. Because it makes me feel: Like I’m not important to you.
3. And I react by: Getting upset with you and refusing to cooperate.
4. In order to hide my fear: That I’m not as socially adept as you are.
1. I don’t like it when you: Refer to my defensiveness as paranoia.
2. Because it makes me feel: Paranoid!
3. And I react by: Getting very angry at you.
4. In order to hide my fear: That you’ll never really be able to understand me.
If you read carefully through Camille’s and John’s list of grievances toward each other, two underlying themes emerge. Camille’s greatest fear is of getting into fights with John that are so heated he blows up and drives her to despair because she feels he’ll never understand her need for a secure, orderly life which he mistakes for her disrespecting him. John’s greatest fear is that Camille in fact doesn’t respect him, not intellectually or with regard to his creative abilities, but in every day, practical things which he admits tend to bore him. Deep down he feels Camille has to protect him from himself and control him as if he were a child. And, of course, right on queue, he blows up at her like a child.
After going through and discussing their respective grievances, John came to realize that Camille really does respect and admire him for his intellect and creativity and that her compulsion to schedule and organize stems from her deeper need for a sense of order and security which she never got in her childhood, which has nothing to do with John. Camille came to realize that John – in spite of his formidable intellect and creative abilities – struggles with agonizing doubts about himself and whenever Camille does things without first consulting with him, this triggers painful feelings of humiliation which take him right back to his unhappy childhood.
In addition to the above example, see: How To talk to Your Lover can help build a Healthy Relationship and Avoid Marital Problems that can Lead to Abusive Relationships
