One way to determine if you and your partner need couples counseling is whether you two have good or bad fights. A good fight always ends with improved emotional understanding. A bad fight, like a weak scene in a movie, never ends with the two lovers touching each other’s hearts. It drags on until they walk away in complete despair before coming back for another round.
When it comes to arguing in your relationship, practicing fighting fair is one of the most important things you and your partner can do together. If bad fights are one of the things causing issues with you and your partner, then you may need to seek couples counseling. Keep reading for the 411 on couples counseling.
Choosing a Couples Therapist
Apart from credentials and licensing, one of the best indicators of a great couples therapist is whether he or she will take the time to speak with you on the phone before you even decide to come in. Not only will he or she engage you, but they will ask what’s troubling you emotionally and subjectively in your relationship, and they will ask why you called. The best therapists will even suggest that both of you get on speaker and encourage you and your partner – one at a time – to tell both sides of the story.
What to Expect From Your First Meeting
Most therapists will want to learn the story of your relationship first, starting with how you two met and fell in love. Good therapists will ask what it was about your lover – apart from physical attraction – that made him or her really special or different from other people you’ve been intimate with in the past. Really good therapists will always be curious, listening to you and your partner, as well as encouraging you both to put into words what you two are feeling.
However, the very best therapists will ask you to slow down when you describe how your lover triggers you to blow up, or when he or she instigates you to grow cold and distant. Many of these therapists are trained in neuroscience-based techniques like Emotion-Focused Therapy, Sensorimotor Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Interpersonal Neurobiology.
What You Will Discuss
You’ll be encouraged to close your eyes and take slow, deep breaths to get in touch with where you’re feeling stress or pain in your body. The goal here is to encourage each of you to embody what the other is feeling and going through emotionally. Through this exercise, you will be reminded that this embodiment or taking in of what the other is feeling has virtually nothing to do with agreeing with each other.
Your therapist will also want to hear about important things that happened to you before you met. This will include past relationships, what it was like growing up in your family and ideas and values you learned from your parents and grandparents. On top of these, they will also ask you to talk about your early emotional attachments with your parents, other caretakers and siblings, as well as how close you felt to people in your immediate circle, such as your parents, grandparents, extended family, babysitters, etc.
In short, you and your partner will be asked to bring to light all the important things you remember happening before you two met and fell in love. These very early attachments are absolutely crucial in shaping our expectations of what we can get from each other emotionally in the present. Finally, you two will hopefully walk out of your first meeting with a solid sense that the therapist really understands the both of you and what you’re struggling with deep down.
Understanding the Cost of Couples Therapy
The cost of couples therapy depends on whether you have medical insurance. If yes, ask yourself if you have a plan that allows you to choose your own doctor or therapist, or if you have to work with someone in the insurance company’s list of providers. Generally, the best and most creative therapists are “out-of-network” and are not interested in becoming insurance-approved company providers. You pay them out-of-pocket pocket, and they provide you with a statement of services that you submit to your insurance company for reimbursement.
Aetna, UnitedHealthcare and Blue Cross Blue Shield usually reimburse 50% of what you pay the therapist. Cigna is one of the best, and it usually reimburses up to 80%. GHI health insurance plans are some of the least helpful, as they don’t recognize licensed marriage and family therapists. For couples who have Medicaid, many quality therapists in various health agencies can be found in your city.
If you and your partner have been struggling in your relationship and feel that it can be helped through couples counseling, then do not hesitate to contact Marriage Couples Counseling in New York City. We can help you and your partner strengthen your bond, resolve present and underlying issues in your relationship and help you two learn how to have productive fights. Give us a call at 212-673-4618 for an in-depth phone consultation.
